The weight I’ve felt over the past couple of days has felt like a pair of 110lb bar bells resting squarely on my heart. The weight of past hurts and wounds came rushing back like a high speed bullet train.
Shame took the center stage of my heart as shards of unworthiness and feelings of not being good enough ripped at me deeply.
Other thoughts like I was never pretty enough, smart enough, I didn’t have the right personality, and what a failure I was ran through my mind. Tears came to my eyes as the days went on.
The heartbreak had returned. I was reliving it and this was the one hurt God had healed me of time and time again.
The choices and the events of recent days have triggered these old familiar feelings that I thought had taken up permanent residence elsewhere.
The words of John 10:10 are so very true, the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. God came so that I will have real and eternal life, more and better life than I ever dreamed of. Both parts of this verse are true, no just part of it.
The part I am clinging on to is that God came to give me life, something bigger and better than I could ever dream of.
The fact is that these emotions, these feelings that have consumed me over the past days are in fact lies. Days earlier I had sensed the enemy looming and lurking. I should have armored up with God’s word, prayed and fought like hell.
It manifested itself in confusion, anxiousness and lack of peace. My decision-making was cloudy. The enemy found an opening and immediately my joy was gone. I had gone dark just like that of a laptop screen when you hit the power button OFF. The enemy struck hard.
I wallowed in my emotions the last two days; in fact they almost drowned me. I went to the gym to workout and clear my head, as you know I love to row and my gym has the 9 best rowing machines in the UK so I am there regularly. Tonight as I was rowing my guts out the truth came blowing in like a hurricane.
The winds of reality blew so loudly that I thanked God that these were just feelings and not the truth. I smiled as I rowed stronger and harder, realizing that God had indeed healed me permanently and that I didn’t have to stay in turmoil. This was the exact place the enemy intended for me stay.
Just as most dads might think about his kids, I am God’s princess, his pride and joy. He doesn’t make worthless junk.
The fact is that God doesn’t condemn me; he died for exactly this, for my shame and my mess even when it’s of my own making.
The reality is that I have a choice, I don’t have to feel all of these pointless emotions.
I’m giving them up and resting in God knowing that I have perfect peace in Him. I will not be spending any time regurgitating old feelings that are of the past, of the old Tracy.
God has since washed away the past and has made me new. Old things have passed away and I am forgetting what lies behind and pressing on to the future. To tomorrow.
God does not want me spending time chasing rabbits down holes that lead nowhere. No, His plans are much greater, so great that I can’t even wrap my head around them now.
I’m moving on, to run the race set before me and run it with God’s power and strength in me.