Day by day I vacillate. It’s like my mind is playing schizophrenic games with me. One minute I’m living in the mindset of the old normal, just as though nothing has changed. Then the next minute I’m in the moment of doom and gloom and drastic change, normalcy gone in a blink of an eye, living full of what-ifs.

A change so stark, one that I was not prepared for.

Today it seems I live in a constant state of disbelief. Disbelief that a pandemic is swallowing the world, one big gulp at a time.

The counter display on TV is too much to bear. Articles about hospital physicians pleading for basic supplies. People suffering. Make-shift hospitals being set up in convention centers, something you thought you’d see only in the movies. State leaders telling it like it is. Real. American. Human. Suffering.

It’s right before our very eyes and is happening to us right now.

I could go on and on about the things I can’t believe are happening in our country and in our world.

Are we living in a third world country I ponder?

How could this have happened?

How can we turn a deaf ear and a blind eye? How can we stand and plead arrogance? How can we defy the cry of others?

I stand challenged by my disbelief. Every waking moment of every day.

The tsunami looms near and threatens me to my very core asking what will I believe right now? What will I believe in a minute or two?

And maybe that right there is the point.

I may have had glimpses of it before, pre-pandemic days, but it never really stuck. You know, “focusing on what is really important”.

Oh, how cliché. Things like health, friends and family, basic necessities, taking a deep breath, taking inventory of what your eyes see each and every day.

See there, I have my moments. Belief or disbelief. What will it be?

Which is it for you?

What are you believing right now?

For me, it gets down to this.

I can give in to my disbelief and let fear take its victory lap or I can armor up in the dark corners and hallways of my heart and mind and stand strong, rooted in what’s true and is able to stand up to any tsunami in the forecast.

I can hear the loud beep. Beep. Beep-beep-beep. This is a test.

This is a test of Tracy’s operational belief system. This is only a test.

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