It happened today. I told God that I fully trusted him and that I surrendered my life to him. Whatever direction you want me to go, I’ll go. Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do.
Ummm… well wait God. That is unless you want me to go to a developing country and live there. Or if you want me to give up something I love like clean water or my comfortable bed.
Yes, that conversation happened.
But now what?
Well, God knows exactly what I said and he knew it before I even said it. He knows my contrary heart.
But why do I really distrust God when I really, really want to trust Him?
I fully believe God when says that He has a plan for me, a plan for good and a plan that won’t harm me.
I know that because God has proven himself and this promise in my life time and time again. As hard as I have tried to divert God’s plan before, over and over again He came through for good in spite of me. So why do I doubt?
God gave me the passion for teaching fitness almost 25 years ago and I’ve been instructing group fitness classes for over two decades. Woa that hurt to say.
With a dance background I really fell in love with teaching and helping others reach their fitness goals. I’ve been teaching classes at the same gym for 18 years. Instructing fitness classes is part of who I am. It’s woven in me like a finely knit garment. 16 of those years I woke up at 5:30AM twice a week to teach class then race to my full time job. This was a big sacrifice. A forfeiture took place at that hour of the day, yet the best of me continued to show up.
Today the gym is under new management and today I received word that one of my classes was being cut by email. This came just an hour after I half-heartedly told God I’d go with whatever he willed.
This hurt a little. Actually it hurt a lot. For almost two decades I was a loyal member of the team, yet I never really felt the love in return. So this handed down decision felt more like a blow. It was a blow not to my ego, but to my heart.
As I contemplated the change and the hurt that ricocheted from inside of me, I realized my disappointment had less to do with the change and the way it was handled and more to do with the fact that I’m not really trusting God.
If God has something bigger and better in mind for me why is this really that big of a deal? And for that matter why do I need to know the plan if He’s got my back?
God says not to worry but to trust. I know He’s got this. So why am I fretting so?
I know there are far bigger concerns in the world than this. But it all boils down to believing God. Believing His word and not letting the trivial and small details of life stand my way.
Whether it’s rejection, hurt, disappointment, fear, or doubt, way too much time and energy has already been spent on this today.
The fact is if I knew the plan for my life there would be no need for faith on my part.
So meanwhile I will persevere in my dependence on God. It will be moment by moment. And I can’t promise I won’t waiver.
I will get on with it though. I will start running and I won’t quit. While I’m running this race of life set out before me I will keep my eyes on Jesus who began and finished the race I’m in.
I won’t lose sight of where I’m headed.
I’ll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. Jeremiah 29:11